When I started writing this blog (or, more accurately, actually posting regularly) I had it in my mind that I would stay light and fluffy and anonymous and all that jazz. Not share much about my actual life except things I’ve learned! And my inspiration! And all the good things! Like how we manage our lives in social media generally – pretty pictures and braggy statuses and “my life is WONDERFUL how bout yours?!”, etc.
But 2015 is my year of figuring some big shit out and guess what I have realized? I have been living my actual life the way that we Millennials are infamous for living our online lives. I have lived for an audience no matter what I was doing. People pleasing does that I guess. You constantly focus on the people around you and live for them. I’ve tried to live my life pretty and happy because that’s what the world should see. I’ve convinced myself I was happier than I actually was, in reality, because I believed I deserved to live caged in by my own walls. In learning to tell other people that everything was fine, even when it wasn’t, I started believing my own lies. And let me tell you that when you can lie to yourself and believe yourself, you are in some scary deep water.
Please don’t get me wrong – I am absolutely in favor of loving people to the utmost ability that we can. I believe we are called by The One who created the stars to be His hands and feet to those around us. It’s just that there is a difference between loving people and distrusting people to be able to handle your actual self. People pleasing is just a big LIE. You are living dishonestly.
I am emerging from this deceptive life and it’s like trying to break an addiction I didn’t know I had. So this post is me being real and trying out this new way of being. Here’s what’s actually in my head today. That saying from Perks of Being a Wallflower – “We accept the love we think we deserve” – I’m pretty sure I have been thinking I deserve some pretty dumb stuff. I’m suddenly way into a guy I’ve only seen a few times who has not cared enough to text or call or make any more than the most minimal efforts. I’ve been making all kinds of excuses for him and his behavior. It hit me tonight that this is what I have done for men in my life since I began dating. I excuse them. Because I understand them. They’re doing their best.
No they fucking aren’t.
Their best does not look like your excuses. You are settling for less than the best because you don’t actually believe you deserve the best.
I’m really still trying to figure all of this out, so in this post there is no lesson and no guide. I don’t have one. But what I do have is this resolution to myself to be authentic, show unabashedly the real me, and try to respect myself enough to accept some better love.