the itch.

Esau

It’s happening again. I’m getting that itch. I thought I had banished it for a good while but alas, once you’ve done it once it’s so hard to stop.

I’m talking travel, people.

It’s that yearning, that mental equivalent to the feeling you get when you were curled up sleeping in the passenger seat of the car for too many hours and it was comfortable but now, now you start feeling that undeniable urge to stretch those sore muscles and bring feeling back to the parts of you that went numb. It’s less of a discontent and more of a pull toward something other.

When I was younger I went to Mozambique. We drove through the red dirt towns of Malawi and accidentally hit a goat. That isn’t really a relevant detail but my memory always snags there for some reason. We were served dinner by some lovely souls at a mission base and in the morning we woke to find we were on the edge of the big lake and there were monkeys in the courtyard. I sat with Jesus there in a tree, His words alive to me as I read my Bible on that fresh morning half a world away from home.

In Mozambique, little faces ran grinning after our truck shouting “muzungu!” and trying to race. Dirty hands and knees climbed on our laps as we all tried to learn each others’ words. It turns out Duck Duck Goose exists on both continents under different names, and that there is a universal sign for “pick me up”. Arms raised, face hopeful. You spend your mornings on that dry, flat gorgeous land with those lovely little people and something inside you breaks in a beautiful way and you never quite fix it. You will always be a little broken, with an ache that isn’t easily soothed.

The cracks are starting to show in that place in my heart and I want to go back. There are stone walls high above treetops and rivers where I left little bits of myself, the bread crumb trail to where I found my God and myself. There are babies with eyes that search for the one who loves them and are coming up short. If not me, then who? If not now, then when? When I was hungry, you gave Me food.

These are the thoughts haunting my head.

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